Goodbye little space

Moving into another space, will probably be back when happy things are around.
See you when i see you.

🍃

(inserts random selfie lol idc it's my blog I can do what I want here)

It's nice to come back here after a while.. the thought of starting afresh after possibly being forgotten. 

I'm starting to appreciate honesty.. some may deliver it to you in the most annoying asshole(!) way, but the kindness in their eyes make all the bad things suddenly seem better.

I don't know how things will go from here, but I think I'm okay with not knowing for once. I don't want to catch up with Time anymore. I'm just gonna engulf myself in Uncertainty; who knows where it will take me.

For now, ill let broken things remain broken. Time will fix it for me; day by day, present by present. 

The Last Goodbye

Can't quite see the end 
How can I rely on my heart if I break it with my own two hands? 
I heard all you said and I love you to death 
I heard all you said 
don't say anything

Work Week

So.. there goes my first week of work. I have so much to rant about, I wanted to blog about it earlier but I was so caught up in editing my other documents that I totally lost track of time and I'm feeling rather spent typing this. And hungry.

My work is alright thus far, I hate the usual asking-people-for-help-continously-and-being-annoying and making-stupid-mistakes shit, but I know its inevitable and part of the learning process. My in-charge and my colleagues are very nice to me, and are very approachable and willing to teach. I am grateful and yet a bit guilty for always imposing on them.

I saw Aisha on my second day of work and it turns out that she works in a different department from me! She was really nice, still remembering me and bothering to say hi, and even invited me to have lunch with her colleagues. I went for lunch with them the rest of the week and they are really a funny and nice bunch to hang out with. I think im the youngest(?) one in my current department so its nice to hang out with the younger staff for a change.

Bad thing is that I keep going to the toilet!!! Something about working makes me feel so thirsty all the time so I am always seen making trips to the loo. Its like I HAVE to go once per hour. So it's like 8 times a day... why liddis!!!!

Has only been 5 days and the amount of embarrassing shit that happened to me is enough to cover half of 2014 at least.. lol, from being stuck in the stairs and waving to the wrong people.. sigh pie

I'm really busy the whole week though.. trying to get the work life balance shit. as much I love to come home and just crash on my bed, I can't. I wanna ensure I get enough time with everyone else as well! So make changes and be tired I shall!~

Anyway, came back from a career fair today. I really didn't know talking was so exhausting. 2 full hours of talking non-stop, my throat was super dry and painful at the end of the event.

Cheryl and Reb was very supportive and immediately agreed to accompany me when I asked them though they totally didn't have to. But dear Cheryl fell sick and wasn't able to attend, I hope she recovers soon. Anw I had an awesome lunch with reb albeit the short meet up.

I'm just very grateful to have these friends which are just so helpful and sincere in every way. I don't think friends like these come by often anymore. 

okay abrupt end sleepy... night

The day before..

Always feel apprehensive at this time, and I'm excited yet nervous about what is in store for me. Oh well, I guess I just have to see how it goes. I hope everything unfolds perfectly from here. I do not expect an easy way out with no difficulties. I wish for a better me at the end of the 5-6 months. I wish for lessons to be learned and understood, or better yet, friendships to be made. 

It's 12.09am now. 

Here we go.

My 2013 at a glance

1. Giving Back

I felt extremely grateful to be given a chance to give back, by helping to give out goodie bags and angpows for the elderly this year. It isn't much, and I am not a saint, but I believe in taking baby steps towards giving back to the community. Hopefully, I'll have a chance to do it again this year!

2. Fifth year with Sunny + my first mini staycation

I consider another year with him worth celebrating, even more so the fact that we spent half a decade together so far. It's really unbelievable how time flies and yet slows down at the same time. It was also my first staycation and it really felt as if i was on holiday. I look forward to many more of it to come!

3. Bobby

Bobby fell really sick at the start of the year, which made our family members worry quite a fair bit. He even lost weight during that period. Now, I'm just grateful and happy to see that he is fairly well recovered, and is now able to walk and run happily. We also took it as a lesson and made changes to their diet, and they managed to lose those excess fats and be in a healthier state. Looking at past photos, I'm just wondering how the hell did i ever allow my dogs to be so damn fat! I also read up a lot on dogs and the extra care we must give as they grow older. It was a learning process for both my family and the dogs as well.

4. Traveling

The frequent traveling during the past few years really made me realised how much I love it. I love discovering new places, and the idea of being a completely different person in another world. I love having to witness places that we only dreamed of going when we were young, watching the telly. I love being able to indulge in another culture, learning to speak the language, and enjoy places after places. Most of all, I feel really alive. I never want to stop doing this.

- London, UK

 - Milan, Italy

- Paris, France

- Seoul, Korea

5. First trip overseas - Genting w Sunny

Sort of a sub point of #2 and #4. It was our first time traveling overseas together, and I was happy to go to Genting, Malaysia. Sunny couldn't remember the last time he went there so I was more then willing to reintroduce him to this place where I practically had my childhood. Sigh, so much fun.

6. Completed all my exams + got a degree

I don't have a picture that is representative of the (almost) end of my education life. The results are not out yet, so I can't say for sure. But I got myself a degree, which for the first time, is not because of something that is necessary for the society today, but because of what I believe I can achieve on my own. The journey itself made me grow much more as an individual, and I am grateful and thankful for what I am today. Okay, here's a photo with the victory sign to signify that yesssssss I WIN OK NEXT POINT

7. New Laptop

It's really a small thing, but well my lao laptop died on me this year. I've grown quite attached to it, so it was really sad. RIP lappie, as well as the rest of the photos which i didn't back up so they also disappeared into the black hole of no return. :'''''''((((((

First time using a mac. It's really difficult and i was so unused to it at first, but right now im alright, even though im still a bit noob at it. Sigh btw anyone knows where is the disk clean up for mac...

8. Fluffy

Fluffy entered my life by surprise. I would never have imagined myself picking a dog on the streets and being one of the people who had to put up adoption notices on social media sites. On a side note, I'm thankful for all the people who came to my rescue (aha!) and helping out by sharing or retweeting, and even go all the way to help me liaise with interested adopters. My family ended up falling in love with this boy and my dad wanted to keep it. So, here's to #4 dog in our family. It was initially tough having this shy boy socialise with the rest of the pack, but my lovely 3 dogs are friendly and accepting to him, even allowing him to sleep on their bed, and sometimes behaving a little too friendly and enthusiastic towards him that he would shy away. He's definitely bolder now, and tries to fit in and adapt to the habits of the other 3.

9. Work

This is also the first time since my studies in ACCA begin that I went to work. I really learned a lot during this period and it sort of opened my mind to the real world. I managed to keep myself busy and motivated, working at the day and studying night classes at night. I know that this may be the current routine for some, and I know that i definitely dont have it the hardest. But I am thankful and grateful for the lessons learnt during this period.

10. Summary

I guess the 9 items merely described the good things that happened the past year.. but they don't come without pain. I chose to post only the happiest things here, because that's what I only want to remember when I grow old.

2013 feels like an extremely tough year, with so many obstacles set out for me. But in a way I'm glad they happened because they better me as a person. I can't even begin to describe the emotional ups and downs that occured, but that don't matter because they are all part of the past now.

Right now, I feel that this is the time to focus on myself more, to find out what is the best for my life. I don't want to be affected by any judgement or opinion, unless I allow it.

All I hope to achieve for 2014 is to learn to believe in myself, and I can. I will.

Maybe a lifetime ago..

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”

Goodbye, 2013. (Draft)

-POST NOTE- 

This was kept as a draft weeks ago and I wanted to publish it as a year end post but somehow it didn't feel right. Well, decided to post this anyway.

I know it sounds pretty emotional on my blog lately, but it's all good. I'm just pouring out random thoughts/opinions here. It's my ranting corner..

And I'm really glad to know people who are still reading this space. Thank you! okay here goes..

-END POST NOTE-

Typing out this draft right now, weeks before this chapter finally comes to a close. I have so much feelings and reflections right now, I don't think it could wait for the last day of the year.

Sometimes, when people expect too much or too little coming their way, its easy to mask it all with indifference or anger. Afterall, it's somehow easier to learn not to expect. The misconception is that you think you are getting stronger. But, how do you learn to protect an empty heart?

To learn how to be vulnerable, and let emotions flow. To take in all that uncertainty and fear, and allow it to occupy you. To allow your body to learn to fight against it. I think that's when real strength come through.

It's so stupid to always go through the same thought process - thinking that as of this moment right now, you are a warrior, a survivor - the best state you will ever be in. But no one will ever be ready. We will always be this cocky, I suppose.

It always had to be absolute. Something I can sift out and grasp it, in every intangible way possible. That's the only way to feel better about uncertainty, and how scary it gets. Forget about the light at the end of the darkness. As long as I can contain it, define it, and will myself to control it, it will get better.

I want to stop controlling, and to stop willing myself on a routine. I want to stop building defense mechanisms based on said routine so I won't take steps back anymore. Why should I be afraid of things that I know I can handle? 

Goodbye, 2013.

So.. its almost an hour to the new year.

I think this year is somehow.. difficult for me, even at the last day of the year. It feels like my thoughts, feelings, relationships have been washed out from a hurricane, leaving me a bit of a mess but somehow relieved this year is over soon.

2013 has been a hard year, I suppose. But in a good way..?

I remember times where I felt confused. About why certain things just doesn't add up, and somehow just ends up falling outside my control, or it somehow just blows out of proportion without my understanding. It is difficult, to fix something that you don't know.

I also remember feeling frustrated. How certain plans just don't pan out the way you want to be. Several times, I was so close. I guess this is part of life? I know what I had to give up, and I'm willing to. It's worth it, but alas... maybe they can only happen at the right time.

I also remember telling myself to be strong, to conquer. To deal with many obstacles and heartbreaks. We can be a lot more powerful than we think, as long as we allow ourselves to become.

Of course I had the happier times. But ironically its the sadder ones that we always remember.

I am grateful and wanna give thanks for what I have so far. For a little Fluffy to appear, for my ever loving family, dogs, bf and friends that managed to spend 2013 with me.

I am ready for what's next. I'm scared, but let's go for it.

Feelings

This is what I think about Time. Time is water.

You add Feelings in your heart and you flush them with time. Time dilutes feelings day by day, and for a long time, your heart don't seem to feel them anymore.

But the feeling remains. One day, something triggers that emotion back. It's drains all the time away. The sudden awareness of these feelings makes you feel that they are back, stronger.

But feelings always stay the same. It's the sudden drain of time that makes you feel that way.

A feeling never goes away. It will never go away; it can only be diluted. The feeling only 'comes back' when you will time to stop.