Goodbye, 2013. (Draft)

-POST NOTE- 

This was kept as a draft weeks ago and I wanted to publish it as a year end post but somehow it didn't feel right. Well, decided to post this anyway.

I know it sounds pretty emotional on my blog lately, but it's all good. I'm just pouring out random thoughts/opinions here. It's my ranting corner..

And I'm really glad to know people who are still reading this space. Thank you! okay here goes..

-END POST NOTE-

Typing out this draft right now, weeks before this chapter finally comes to a close. I have so much feelings and reflections right now, I don't think it could wait for the last day of the year.

Sometimes, when people expect too much or too little coming their way, its easy to mask it all with indifference or anger. Afterall, it's somehow easier to learn not to expect. The misconception is that you think you are getting stronger. But, how do you learn to protect an empty heart?

To learn how to be vulnerable, and let emotions flow. To take in all that uncertainty and fear, and allow it to occupy you. To allow your body to learn to fight against it. I think that's when real strength come through.

It's so stupid to always go through the same thought process - thinking that as of this moment right now, you are a warrior, a survivor - the best state you will ever be in. But no one will ever be ready. We will always be this cocky, I suppose.

It always had to be absolute. Something I can sift out and grasp it, in every intangible way possible. That's the only way to feel better about uncertainty, and how scary it gets. Forget about the light at the end of the darkness. As long as I can contain it, define it, and will myself to control it, it will get better.

I want to stop controlling, and to stop willing myself on a routine. I want to stop building defense mechanisms based on said routine so I won't take steps back anymore. Why should I be afraid of things that I know I can handle? 

Goodbye, 2013.

So.. its almost an hour to the new year.

I think this year is somehow.. difficult for me, even at the last day of the year. It feels like my thoughts, feelings, relationships have been washed out from a hurricane, leaving me a bit of a mess but somehow relieved this year is over soon.

2013 has been a hard year, I suppose. But in a good way..?

I remember times where I felt confused. About why certain things just doesn't add up, and somehow just ends up falling outside my control, or it somehow just blows out of proportion without my understanding. It is difficult, to fix something that you don't know.

I also remember feeling frustrated. How certain plans just don't pan out the way you want to be. Several times, I was so close. I guess this is part of life? I know what I had to give up, and I'm willing to. It's worth it, but alas... maybe they can only happen at the right time.

I also remember telling myself to be strong, to conquer. To deal with many obstacles and heartbreaks. We can be a lot more powerful than we think, as long as we allow ourselves to become.

Of course I had the happier times. But ironically its the sadder ones that we always remember.

I am grateful and wanna give thanks for what I have so far. For a little Fluffy to appear, for my ever loving family, dogs, bf and friends that managed to spend 2013 with me.

I am ready for what's next. I'm scared, but let's go for it.

Feelings

This is what I think about Time. Time is water.

You add Feelings in your heart and you flush them with time. Time dilutes feelings day by day, and for a long time, your heart don't seem to feel them anymore.

But the feeling remains. One day, something triggers that emotion back. It's drains all the time away. The sudden awareness of these feelings makes you feel that they are back, stronger.

But feelings always stay the same. It's the sudden drain of time that makes you feel that way.

A feeling never goes away. It will never go away; it can only be diluted. The feeling only 'comes back' when you will time to stop.

红豆 / 相思豆

還沒跟你牽著手

走過荒蕪的沙丘
可能從此以後　

學會珍惜　

天長和地久

有時候　有時候
我會相信一切有盡頭
相聚離開　都有時候
沒有甚麼會永垂不朽
可是我　有時候
寧願選擇留戀不放手
等到風景都看透
也許你會陪我　看細水長流

Post Exams

Exams are officially over today. Of course, I'm hoping that this will be my last. Feels a little liberating, but yet afraid at the same time knowing that from here on, I have to slowly build the path I want to take.

I've made plans, and wrote a list of stuff I wanna do after exams. I'm treating it as a special period where I get to do whatever the fuck I want before I am officially labelled a Young Working Adult. (I'm always young in my mind yo) 

I'm going to be busy. Maybe pick up a skill, reinvent myself.. who knows. The one lesson I've learnt while being in a 9-5 routine is that time is always running out, and contant repetition makes everything a blur. It's so easy to go with the flow, than to question your actions and objectives.

 It seems that when you get older, the more you can't afford to ask why. 

'Things just are...' They'll say.

I hear you. Do you hear yourself?